


On My Way

by cosmicfox



Category: GOT7
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Eating Disorders, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Loving leader!Jaebum, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Yugyeom-Centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-07-14 10:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7166705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicfox/pseuds/cosmicfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’d been years, so why wasn’t he over it yet? As Yugyeom splashed his face with water he looked at his reflection. He couldn’t see what he’d become, what he was now, he could only see what he was then, a scared, weak child. For so long he’d tried to push it away but now it was threatening to overwhelm him and he didn’t think he’d be able to make it through alone. But luckily he didn’t have to, Jaebum made that clear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! The title is taken from 'On My Way' by Foxes.
> 
> This is a dark!Yugyeom-centric fic with comforting!Jaebum. It'll be dealing with some heavy issues so please read the tags before you begin.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

/follow me on [tumblr](http://stoptheworldforever.tumblr.com/) if you'd like/

 

 

There was a tightness in his chest, something he’d never felt before and it was terrifying. Yugyeom sat up, clutching his bed quilts, drenched in a slick layer of cold sweat, willing his speeding heart to slow, even just a little. It took him a moment to realise what was wrong and then he realised he couldn’t catch his breath.

The nightmares flashed behind his eyelids in a flurry of graphic images and he lashed out in an attempt to stop them. His hand collided with something and the images ceased momentarily before the pain mixed into the whirlpool in his mind. They began again with more force, until it was all he could see, this time playing out in a montage of horrific sounds that made a whimper break out between breathes.

“Yugyeom!”

Yugyeom counted down from a hundred, eyes clenched shut as he begged his body to cooperate. Why was it always so rebellious, why couldn’t it be still for just one moment?

His breathing was lost, whatever number he’d been up to vanished and panic set in. Yugyeom thrashed at his covers, trying desperately to untangle himself. He needed to get out, the walls were closing in, and everything was touching him. He couldn’t breathe. He was suffocating. He was going to die. The nightmare was clouding, making everything hazy.

“Yugyeom?” the voice was soft and cut through his fog as a hand gently gripped his shoulder. He didn’t realise he was crying until his tears wear brushed. Yugyeom looked to the sad eyes cast down on him and silently begged them for help.

“Breathe, Yugyeom, its okay.” BamBam patted his shoulder, pointedly breathing in deep and letting the exhale out in example. The younger boy just looked at him helpless, still unable to chase it, shaking and becoming lightheaded. The older boy knelt down next to him, placing his spare hand on Yugyeom’s face, forcing the younger boy to look at him.

“It’s alright, just take it nice and slow,” BamBam continued breathing in and eventually Yugyeom was able to follow him, breath hitching every now and then as a new sob broke through him. “That’s right, Yugyeom, you’re okay.”

Yugyeom’s cries slowly died down to sniffles, his breathing still long and laboured. With BamBam’s guidance, he slowly settled back down on his pillow, eyes beginning to droop as exhaustion took over. Slowly he fell back asleep, concentrating on the feeling of BamBam stroking his hair.

BamBam stayed with him for a few minutes, continuing to brush his hair from his forehead, hearing his breathing even out into long, shallow breathes, before pulling away. He wanted to go back to bed, it was calling him but something even bigger, responsibility, was telling him to do something else.

So he slid on the pair of sweatpants he’d discarded earlier before bed and quietly left the room. The people behind the door he knocked on grumbled, slowly stirring as BamBam continued to tap his knuckles over the hard wood, quietly as not to wake up the other members but loud enough to wake the people behind the door. He’d be punished if it wasn’t for a good reason. BamBam had good reason though and if the older boy inside listened he would understand and not lash out.

Eventually a person came to the door, clad only in pyjama bottoms, all rumbled and barely able to keep his eyes open.

“What is it, BamBam?” Jaebum bit out, squinting or glaring, BamBam couldn’t tell.

“Sorry to wake you, hyung,” he said in reply, voice hushed, “Yugyeom had another panic attack.”

Yugyeom didn’t remember what had happened last night but the bruises on his knuckles were a sign of some misadventure. His hand ached and as he examined it, he wracked his brain. Whatever it was, it left his limbs feeling shaky and his brain lax to follow instructions. He touched the bruises and an alien feeling settled on his chest, as though a ghost had passed through him.

“Yugyeom,” Jaebum greeted him as the older boy brushed his teeth. Yugyeom smiled and nodded before he went about wetting his toothbrush and applying the paste to the bristles. “Sleep well?”

“Yes, hyung. Did you?” Jaebum looked at him through the mirror for a long time, long enough for Yugyeom to stop brushing and look at him, before turning to his own reflection and accessing the dark circles under his eyes. Last night wasn’t the first time his sleep had been disturbed.

“Yes.” Was all he said and spat out the toothpaste and quickly washed up, leaving the boy alone. Yugyeom watched him go, noting his unusual behaviour. He decided not to think anymore of it, rather focusing on the day of strenuous practice they had ahead of them.

It was a long day, too long and Yugyeom’s body was so sore. He didn’t join the other members for dinner. Instead he showered and went to bed early, mind barely able to function, enjoying the feeling of the soft cotton between his fingers as he snuggled deeper into his quilts. Sleep came to him all too quickly and so did the darkness.

“Yugyeom.” a hand stroked through his hair and the younger boy stirred, blinking into the darkness before catching sight of Jaebum sat on his bed.

“H-hi, hyung,” Yugyeom slurred in a tired voice, something wet travelling down his cheeks. He tried to sit up but Jaebum put a gentle hand on his chest to keep him down. “I-is something wrong?”

Jaebum looked at him for a long time, a number of emotions flickered through his eyes before they settled in a soft look. His fingers continued stroking through the maknae’s hair, smoothing down were they’d become dishevelled before he spoke in a soft voice.

“No, it’s okay, Yugyeom,” his movements began to lull Yugyeom and the younger boy’s eyes closed, “Just go back to sleep.”

The next day at practice, Yugyeom messed up a lot. He didn’t know what was going on with him and constantly cursed out loud when, for the sixth time, he stumbled through a move. The other members watched through unsure eyes, trying to calm him with reassuring statements but it just made Yugyeom angrier. He didn’t like being babied.

“You know if something’s bothering you, you can talk to me,” Jaebum said to him during a water break. Yugyeom downed the rest of his water and gratefully took the bottle Jaebum offered him, greedily finishing that off as well.

“I’m okay,” Yugyeom put both bottles down and began stretching, “I’m sorry for messing up, hyung, I’ll do better.”

Jaebum tried to reassure him that it was okay, that everyone had off days, tried to stop him from going back to the centre of the room to practice each movement with slow, almost supernatural, control. He looked around and saw all eyes were on the maknae and as he came to the move he’d stumbled upon, he slipped up again.

“You’ll get it Yugyeom,” Jinyoung said coming to stand next to him. “You always get it, don’t worry.”

“Yeah, Gyeom,” Jackson slinked to his other side, making faces at the younger boy through their reflections, making the younger boy breath out a laugh, “You getting it wrong is actually good for me, I know you’re human now and not squirrels in a flesh suit.”

“Jackson..?” Mark let out a breathy laugh, making the collection of members into an unfinished group and quickly they started up on practice again.

Yugyeom loved his older brothers. No matter what happened, he knew that much. They were so kind and considerate and stayed with him long after practice ended to go through the dance again and again. Eventually he got it right, was able to get it right on the next go too and then each time after that. He was thankful and the room breathed a sigh of relief, outwardly happy they could go home now.

Again, Yugyeom passed on dinner. Despite his leader physically trying to drag him over, Yugyeom insisted he was too tired and just wanted to go to sleep. Jaebum had looked annoyed but let go and ate his meal in silence.

Yugyeom didn’t understand the boy’s concern over him eating, he just wasn’t in the mood for it and instead was more bothered about ridding himself of his smelly clothes and washing away the grime he felt on his body. Bed looked all too appetising and though he tried to stay up and play on his phone, he quickly fell asleep.

Yugyeom woke with a start, bile rising in his throat and he rushed over the creaky floorboards, tripping over something next to his bed, to the bathroom and proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach. He shook, clutching onto the toilet bowl that was so cold against his clammy hands, as he tried to control his breathing. It came out quick, as though he’d just ran a race, and Yugyeom was afraid of the consequences if he couldn’t get it under control.

“Yugyeom?” The tall boy heard the voice from down the hallway, and focused on the steps as they got closer, in hurried pace. Jaebum rounded the open doorframe and dropped down on his knees. His hands shoot up to brush under Yugyeom’s fringe and immediately pulled away when the younger boy flinched back, his skin pale and eyes wild.

“Are you okay? What happened?” Yugyeom recoiled further, unsure of everything apart from how awful it felt to have someone touch him. He suddenly felt very dirty and ignored the older boy’s questions as he struggled up over the toilet and dry heaved into it, tears streaming.

There was blackness in his vision for a brief moment, a moment that must have been longer than a few seconds because he had gone from kneeling to lying on his back, head in his leaders lap, Jaebum brushing his hair back to lay a wet cloth over his burning forehead.

Then the blackness returned only for him to fight it and feel himself being lifted and carried until being placed down on something soft. A sudden wave of heat drew over him, reddening his cheeks, and his whimpered as a stabbing pain shot up his stomach.

“Yugyeom?” The voice was distant and barely audible over the pumping of blood in his ears, his heartbeat hammering at a thunderous pace and Yugyeom felt frenzied. But hands held him down as he tried to struggle and his vision blurred the more he fought.

“Jaebum.” Yugyeom wailed, remembering briefly that the older boy was there and in a moment of clarity he looked up at the person above him. Jaebum was there, his face masked but his eyes telling, and the other members were stood off just behind him. With them gathered like that Yugyeom wondered if he really was going to die.

Another flush heated his neck and the pain in his stomach intensified, making it hard to breath, not that he could before, but now his lungs were empty and no matter how much he gasped, he couldn’t fill them. Something stopped his kicking legs and hands were keeping his hands on his chest and the feeling of them touching him, of being touched in general, caused sobs to wrack through his body.

For the final time, black ebbed away at his vision until the darkness was all he could see. The pain didn’t stop though, the stabbing continued and in the back of his mind he could hear each of rasping breaths as they came. He stopped struggling against the hold on him and eventually his mind settled enough for him to be dragged into unconsciousness.

But his mind didn’t let him rest. His dreams were marred with a demon that night. He could see its blackened eyes looking down on him, no matter how much he tried to hide, the eyes would always find him.

It was a demon he knew, someone he fought so hard to forget but he was naïve to think he could. It had been years but he’d never really moved on, it was always there at the back of his mind. He’d been in the eye of a hurricane, a short calm, and now it was continuing and ready to leave him in destruction. Yugyeom just prayed he’d make it through to see the other side of the storm.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry for not updating this sooner. I honestly can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I hope it's still worth it so those who read originally. I'll have this finished by the end of the month, I promise!

Yugyeom woke with a start. His head pounded, the blood thumping around his skull in time with his quick heartbeat. He attempted to massage out the throbbing with a spare hand but the action felt foreign and only served to worsen the hurt. It subsided eventually.

There was a moment of disorientation, a fog set in his mind and for the life of him, Yugyeom couldn’t remember exactly where he was or what he was doing. It was light out but the curtains were drawn causing a shaded brightness and the extra blanket layered over his quilt had created a furnace around him. As the haze cleared, along with his headache, Yugyeom recognised the blanket on his bed as Jackson’s but he couldn’t remember taking it.

He threw back his quilts and felt his pyjamas stick to his body as he, with some struggle, swung his legs over the edge of his bed and sat up. Yugyeom stretched out, his muscles contracting in rebellion and he cursed, halting.

There was a sudden commotion from the kitchen shortly followed by a, “Be quiet, BamBam!” And suddenly Yugyeom remembered his previous night panics.

But what had set him off?

Of course it was something terrible, there was no way Jinyoung would have let him sleep in so late, but for the life of him, he couldn’t think of what could have been. Whatever it was he remembered an anchoring hand, a rock that kept him grounded against the ocean waves that tried to drag him into their currents. Whoever it was, if it was a real memory, it calmed him.

The throbbing in his head returned and Yugyeom forced himself to his feet, ignoring the way his bones clicked and his body protested against his movements. He was quiet as he slipped out of his room, hoping not to rouse the other members, and made it to the bathroom without raising the alarm.

The cool spray of the shower helped numb the pain in his joints and the strawberry scent of his body wash distracted his brain from the various aches around his body until eventually they faded away.  Along with the sweat that built up over night, Yugyeom tried to scrub the worry from his skin but the tightening feeling in his stomach only strengthened.

“Yugyeom?” A voice called, followed by three knocks on the door. Yugyeom wrapped a towel around his long frame and stepped out into the misty bathroom, easily making it to the door and hovered beside it.

“Yeah, hyung?” He said back eventually.

“Are you okay?” Yugyeom recognised Jaebum’s voice and his body relaxed, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He opened his mouth to reply but his throat only managed a whined reply. “Will you open the door?”

The lock clicked easily between his fingers and Jaebum was already pushing to door open, trying to get in, but Yugyeom pressed himself against it, only allowing it open enough so that they could see each other. The older boy raised his eyebrow, stepping back and running a hand through his hair in an awkward stance.

“I, uh, just wanted to check on you.” He said dropping his hand down to his side and Yugyeom couldn’t stop the heat rising on his face. He was embarrassed.

“I’m fine, hyung.” Yugyeom said  as his eyes lowered to the floor

“Okay.” Jaebum nodded, giving Yugyeom a once over before beginning back down the corridor. He paused, “Dinner will be here in a few minutes. We ordered fried chicken.”

Yugyeom just nodded and listened as Jaebum’s footsteps got quieter. He closed the door and finished drying himself, changing into his slacks and towelling his hair before psyching himself up to joining his hyungs for dinner. There was a familiar opening and closing of the front door as whichever member went to collect the food from downstairs and as the door opened and closed for the second time, Yugyeom joined them in the living room.

“Hello.” His voice was meek, his eyes lowered, but the chorus of greetings and the strong hand squeezing his shoulder forced his eyes up to smiling faces.

“Have a nice shower?” Youngjae asked and Yugyeom could only nod.

Jinyoung and Mark collected plates and drinks and Yugyeom nibbled at the deep fried chicken thigh Jackson had put on his plate. The older boy clapped his back and a quiet buzz of conversation set the laid back tone of their evening meal. Yugyeom didn’t join in though and his eyes were back to looking down, this time at the greasy unappetising slab of meat on his plate and he nibbled at it, stripping back the batter and occasionally eating the bits of chicken that fell away from the bone.

 “You don’t have to eat if you’re not hungry.” BamBam’s words were met with silent glares from the other members who had been silently encouraging Yugyeom to eat more. So hastily, as if to appease them he added, “But you should.”

Yugyeom drank more than he ate but he still complied to his hyungs wishes. And as he set his glass of orange juice down, it nearing half way empty, it was filled by a sly Mark. The older boy, obviously following instruction, kept his glass topped up and quipped for him to drink more, that he’d slept for so long his body need hydrating. But the sugar coated his teeth and he didn’t like the aftertaste that soured his tongue and after taking one last gulp, he set his cup down and didn’t touch it again, despite Mark refilling it.

There were a few legs of meat waiting for him as the other members finished but he pushed his plate away as they did. He dismissed himself quietly, ignoring the their looks as he retreated to his room. BamBam followed after him and the two settled on Yugyeom’s bed.

“You should change these sheets, they kinda smell.” BamBam said suddenly nipping his nose and Yugyeom punched his arm.

“No matter what, my bed had always smells better than yours.” He replied and BamBam drew his lips up in an exaggerated pout. They both looked over that the mess surrounding his bed, a mixture of clothes and dirty socks and BamBam sighed.

“I don’t think that.”

The two spent the rest of the evening, techniqily morning according to Yugyeom’s body clock, laughing together. BamBam turned on his laptop and they watched funny videos, scouring his history for the one that made his sides hurt and, in turn, made Yugyeom’s sides hurt when he saw it. The sound filtered easily from Yugyeom’s throat and the tightness in his stomach lessened slightly.

“I’m going to the studio later.” He announced and the older boy grimaced.

“I would join you but my muscles still hurt from this morning—”

“You trained without me?”

BamBam’s gaze softened. “You were sleeping and Jaebum-hyung told us not to wake you,” He replied and Yugyeom grunted, standing to pack a bag for his night at the dance studio. “I did want to though, but he said not to.”

Yugyeom looked at BamBam briefly, fawning indifferences by shrugging his shoulders and paused his movements only as the hyung in question opened the door. He seemed unimpressed by whatever he had overheard.

“I don’t think dance practice is good for you right now, Yugyeom.”

Yugyeom ignored him, feeling justified in his feeling, stuffing in his trainers and sliding past Jaebum to get his water bottle from the fridge. The older boy followed him to the kitchen, both skirting past Jinyoung, who was tidying away dinner. Everyone knew Yugyeom’s favourite times were spent dancing and doing it with his members was especially cherished. Surely they understood that?

“Yugyeom.” Jaebum said stopping in front of him and Jinyoung stood out on the other side when Yugyeom tried to escape. “I think you should stay home. We should talk.”

Yugyeom shook his head, looking away, but dropped his bad as a reply and leant back against the kitchen counter. Jinyoung patted his shoulder, slinging the gym bag over his shoulder and left the two to talk in piece.

Jaebum sat down and gestured Yugyeom to do so, too, but the younger boy stayed put. The leader sighed, resisting the urge to clench the bridge of his nose or do anything that would make it seem to Yugyeom that he was too tired for the conversation they were about to have.

“I think there might be a problem here, Gyeomie,” He said finally, “I really don’t know what to do, every time I think I might have the right answer I realise I don’t.”

“Tell hyung what he should do.”

Yugyeom watched Jaebum intently not knowing what to say. He honestly didn’t know there was such a problem. Of course he had his own issues but he’d sort them out, he didn’t want to burden people with things he didn’t even know how categorize.

Yugyeom ran a hand through his hair, “I-I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Jaebum nodded, seeing he chance to get Yugyeom to open up more. “Well, you seem to be having bad dreams. What are they about?

“Honestly, hyung, I don’t remember. Obviously something bad… But I – I just don’t know. I really don’t.” He felt close to tears and he must have looked even worse because Jaebum was on his feet in a second and was pulling him in for a hug. Yugyeom, at first, felt awkward but soon relaxed, feeling comfort in the familiar clean smell that was Jaebum.

“We’ll get to the bottom of it, alright?” Jaebum smiled and Yugyeom nodded, pulling away. “I’m going to go to bed now but I just want to remind you; I’m here, alright?”

Yugyeom nodded and watched him go. He felt weighed down by the sudden heart to heart because he couldn’t give Jaebum the answer he wanted. The situation was perplexing and as he wondered through the living room to the bathroom, he just wanted to get out.

He showered for the second time that day, washing his hair again and again, scrubbing in between his toes and watched the water swirl around the drain. Yugyeom wished things were simpler, like back when he was a trainee. The days were so clearly marked in a timetable and he didn’t have to worry about things because the schedule would tire him out so much he wouldn’t have to think about it. But now he’d debuted and the time in between comebacks were too long and he was sinking and his mind had nothing to occupy it.

Jinyoung had called through the door that everyone was going to bed and Yugyeom stayed in the bathroom just long enough to hear the last door click shut. He sighed and could hear the voices in his head telling him off for feeling relieved to be alone.

And that’s how he spent the night, thinking. He loathed his polarized self that wanted to find out the truth but was afraid to dig for it and wanting to talk to someone but feeling no urgent need to. The constant thoughts hitting him like paintballs tore his mind apart and he ended up drifting, mind floating up as it began to give way to sleep.

_Yugyeom didn’t know where he was but it felt familiar. Somewhere in the back of his mind he recognised it and yet it was foreign. And he felt the dread that pumped through his veins that came with the setting, his hammering heart in mourning that they were back here._

_He knew it was dangerous. He felt childlike in that everything was so large and scary, the streets were too long and completely empty, the streetlamps hurt his eyes and were bright yet they didn’t give any break to the gloominess that cloaked below, and the air, the cold crisp air bit into his skin and he felt like nothing could warm him again._

_He was terrified and needed to get home but there was something in his wake, its blackened silhouette stood in the distance and he didn’t dare stop running, afraid it would get him. Then it turned, eyes cutting through him like a hand through the air, and reached out to grab and Yugyeom whimpered, as it’s shadow grew long across the pavement._

_He turned to run again, not knowing where he would go but needing to get away, but suddenly it grabbed his ankle and his hands scraped against the floor as he was dragged backwards. His screams echoed bouncing of the buildings as he was brought into darkness. The hand gripped him as he tried to kick at it, feeling the shards of glass cut into hit back as he was dragged through it._

_“Stop struggling, you little brat.” A dim light behind the demons head illuminated him and Yugyeom looked up, eyes wide and filling with tears. Not him. Not this. Not again._

Yugyeom woke with a start, head spinning, as bile rose up his throat. He made it to the bathroom just in time as he wretched, a mix of orange liquid spewing into the toilet bowl. He managed to suppress his panic, to keep calm unlike all those times before and stumbled to the sink.

It’d been years, so why wasn’t he over it yet? As he splashed his face with water he looked at his reflection. He couldn’t see what he’d become, what he was now, he could only see what he was then, a scared, _weak_ child. For so long he’d tried to push it away but now it was threatening to overwhelm him and he didn’t think he’d be able to make it through alone.


End file.
